Private Thoughts

My patience is wearing thin lately. People annoy me more and more or just disappoint me. I don’t know. I know I’m a bitch sometimes but, ugh.

Last night Hayden and I went out to get groceries and things were going really well. I felt like we were having a good time even though my stomach was upset after dinner and I was worried about being anxious. Then right as we got home and parked, I mentioned that I probably need to go see a dentist because I think I have a cavity: every time I eat or drink something cold my top left tooth hurts. He said oh yeah it’s definitely a cavity and I need to go see a dentist, but I said Dentist’s offices take your vitals and I’m scared. He then said exasperated “well I don’t know what to tell you then, I guess you can just let your teeth rot out”, knowing my intense anxiety about health and doctor’s offices. Well that really upset me so I stopped talking to him for the rest of the night. He attempted apologizing over and over but I didn’t want to hear any of it, he already said something upsetting and dismissive. I wish for once he could just listen and say he understands or be supportive instead of trying to fix my problems. Like yes I know I have problems that need fixing but unless I ask you for help fixing it, just listen to me.

Eventually later on in the night I finally accepted his apology but I still went to bed annoyed and upset with him. I love him and don’t want all of my whining to be about him, and the things I get mad at him about aren’t even really bad things, but I still get my feelings hurt. Maybe I’m super sensitive. I know I’m valid in my emotions but I probably don’t deserve him. Sometimes I feel like I’m toxic and I treat him badly by giving him the cold shoulder and “punishing” him for being mean to me. I don’t know.

And then today talking to my friend is just sooooo annoying sometimes. I enjoy talking to my friend too and don’t want to be rude but they constantly complain about the same things over and over without ever trying to fix their situation. I give them suggestions and they somehow talk themselves around every single one, just being complacent in their misery. I’m not like that. I complain about my situation sometimes, sure, but I still work towards things too and know when I’m ready to move on or not. Like, I know right now I’m not ready to see a doctor again, I have PTSD about doctors. Me bringing up the Dentist last night was just a side comment about my situation, but I wasn’t like, “Oh I really need to see the dentist and wish I could go but there’s no way I can because of my anxiety, I guess I’ll just suffer and be in pain forever. :(“ NO! I was like “I think I have a cavity because X”, Hayden confirms and tells me to go to the dentist, and I say “Well I’m worried because of my health anxiety.” I didn’t bring up the dentist or say I wish I could go or whatever else. For comparison, my friend is single and always complaining about wanting a relationship and how seeing happy couples around them makes them feel even worse. I give them suggestions and they shoot every one down until nothing is left and then make some remark like they’ll just live in suffering or whatever, without even trying to fix their situation. I think our two scenarios are different.

When my anxiety was really really REALLY bad I made the effort to see a therapist and psychiatrist. I tried different medications, and even when I had a horrible reaction to one and basically had a traumatic hospital experience I still didn’t give up, because I really wanted to get my anxiety under control. If they really wanted to find a relationship I think they would work just as hard. Maybe I’m being ignorant or hypocritical, I feel like I might be. But I just feel like our situations are different!

They don’t have any trauma holding them back from going on a damn date, meanwhile I feel like I’m literally fucking dying and start having physical reactions if I have a blood pressure cuff on. These are not the same things.

So I guess I give up on trying to help them. I’ll just divert the conversation whenever they bring that stupid shit up, I don’t know.

October 28th note: Well, I ended up getting in an argument with said friend yesterday. It wasn't even really an "argument" but I got short with them for freaking out at me and then we didn't talk to each other for a bit, but we're fine now. Basically in the TC Discord server people were being hateful and hypocritical in the chat so I sent a report with a screenshot to the mod bot thing. Said friend got upset and paranoid because they could be seen in the screenshot, even though they weren't saying anything bad or participating in the hateful discussion. I had already been tired of them by that point in the day though and with my patience worn thin I said "Dude, maybe you should have done it then, I don't know." and they said "Yeah, maybe I should have." and I didn't respond for hours. I eventually apologized for snapping at them and they apologized too but whatever, stupid shit.