Private Thoughts

I'm so scared of doing commissions. Several people have asked me for commissions and I just don't even reply, I don't know why. I think I've always thought my art isn't good enough, or I'll let someone down or they won't be happy with what I make for them. Maybe it's all impostor syndrome, maybe it's low self esteem, I don't know. I also have a hard time keeping up a social media presence. I want people to enjoy my work and I want to be liked for my work, but I'm... scared? I don't know what the right word is. I feel like I'm not good enough a lot of the time. I still try but sometimes I wonder what I'm even doing it for.

Yesterday was awful. On the way to work I got a flat tire. I called my boyfriend for help and he went out and got me a replacement tire, then met up with me where I was at. I didn't have a spare so he had to take the entire wheel off, take it + the replacement tire to Discount Tire to have them put the replacement tire on the wheel (and there was a 50 minute wait), then take the wheel back to my car and put it back on. By the time I was back on the road it was noon. I still had to drive to one of our work locations to pick up mail, but there was an accident on the highway and my GPS said it would be 46 minutes for me to get there, and then by the time I would get back to work it would be around 2PM. I get out of work at 4PM on Fridays AND Fridays are my busiest days, so by the time I would've gotten to work I would have had 2 hours to get 7 hours worth of work done. Luckily my manager said I could just turn around and come to work, and go to that location on Monday, but I was still stressed at work playing catch-up.

Then after work my boyfriend texted me saying he got a 'talking to' at his job because of what happened, and that they said I should have just called roadside assistance. Well with that:

1. Who knows how long it would've taken them to get there

2. They would've had to tow me to an approved place

3. Who knows how much money the tow would have cost or if my insurance would have covered it, + who knows how much the place they would've taken me to would have charged me for a tire. And that's if they even had the right tire in stock. And who knows how long it would've taken them to put the tire on if they DID have the right tire.

So then my boyfriend insinuated it was both my fault he got a talking to, and told me I didn't appreciate him enough for what he did. Even though during the whole process I told him thank you several times, and I even took a picture of him working on my car and sent it to both him and his friend group saying he's hard working and I'm lucky to have him.

Oh yeah, and during the process I was stressed out about both being late to work and about leaving my car jacked up while we went to Discount Tire because I didn't want someone to steal my catalytic converter. Both times I tried to express my stress he told me to shut up. So right now I'm not talking to him, and I told him I give up on trying. I didn't even want to be in the same room as him last night but my apartment is a Studio so I took blankets and a pillow and slept in the walk-in closet. It was cramped but I didn't care. I ended up waking up around 4 or 5AM with a massive headache though and moved to the couch, then slept there until I woke up this morning.

I just don't know. It's always my fault, it's always that I'm not appreciative enough even though I swear I am, apparently I can't do anything right. Oh, but he deleted our whole text conversation about it (even though he's gotten really upset with me before for doing the same thing and told me not to ever do that anymore!) so I can't even go look back at it if I wanted to.

He tried guilt-tripping me by sending me a comic I drew him for Valentines Day one year, and he didn't even say sorry about anything until I reminded him he had not said it yet. So therefore it was not genuine if I had to remind him. And he keeps trying to make up for it by giving me food I don't want. He woke me up at I don't even know what time last night with Taco Bell even though I didn't want to eat so I told him to take it away, and then this morning he went out and got donuts and chocolate milk even though I didn't want that either, and chocolate milk makes me feel sick even though I like it.

I don't know what to do or how to get over this right now. I still feel hurt and upset by this, and I don't think this is the last time this will happen, because to him I'm never appreciative enough and things are always my fault. Whatever, I just give up. Fine, if that's how I am to him then I'll fully embrace it. Sure, things are always my fault. Sure, I'm not appreciative enough. I can be mean if he'd prefer. Or I can just stop interacting with him altogether. Maybe if I don't say anything at all then I can't be blamed for things!

And I'm sure he'll expect me to thank him for the Taco Bell I didn't eat, or the donuts he got me this morning. I didn't ASK for those things, and I'm not talking to him right now, I'm not going to thank him for things I didn't want or ask for especially when he's just doing it to try and make it up to me when he should be saying sorry or trying to talk about how what he did was wrong. Whatever. Just, whatever. I just want to send him the money for the tire and tools to fix my car and be done with it. I'm tired.

I don't think I have anyone that cares about me. Not really. I'm pretty much alone. I have a boyfriend but clearly we can see how that's going. I barely have any friends, and I don't talk to them often. I never hang out with anyone. I rarely talk to Trey or see him, and the situation with Cody is weird because he's a lot younger than me and a Christian, and it's just... weird. None of Hayden's friends are my friends, they're only friends by association. My online friends are a whole different thing too. I've been online friends with D for years now but still don't know his real name or what he even looks like, and I get that he's very secretive but I dunno, is that friendship anything more than surface level? And then my Tamagotchi server friend Cam is another thing, when I have issues he doesn't really seem to care but when he has issues the whole world stops. I don't know. I don't think I've ever really understood people. Maybe that's why I've bounced from friend to friend my whole life, and why no relationship (romantic or otherwise) has ever lasted. I think I'm destined to be alone and misunderstood for the rest of my life. I don't think there will ever be someone that will fully understand me and stick with me. I think my depression is getting worse again. Most days I don't really want to do anything anymore. I just work all day, waste time at home until it's time to go to bed, then wake up the next day and do it all over again. It's a Saturday today and I don't want to do anything, I just want to lay in bed and wait for the day to end. I used to play video games or draw or actually do things. Now I doomscroll through TikTok or obsessively check Discord servers to see if there's something I can talk about with another person. A lot of people dislike me in several Discord servers though; I think I'm hard to get along with. I wish I was more easygoing and got along with people better. I don't mesh with people well though, I never have. I've always felt like an outsider, maybe even not really human? Like... I AM human, but I don't feel like there's anyone else that I can relate to or that can relate to me. I think I'm alone. The last of a species before it goes extinct. Maybe it's better if I do go extinct. I'm rambling.